Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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