a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
