I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
