Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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