If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
