doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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