I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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