i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Randomize
