I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
