see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
