its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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