dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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