she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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