Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
