got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
