i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
