respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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