Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
