new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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