Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
