I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
