I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
