hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
