I am puke
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
