My liver just broke up with me...
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
