u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Randomize
