you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
