I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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