it was like his penis was on wheels.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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