I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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