sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
