mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
