I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
