i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
