My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am midnight drunk by noon
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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