Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
