you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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