sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
