I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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