3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
