the condom got lost in my hair
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Houston, we have a squirter
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Bring me that man meat
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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