Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
