My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
