Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
