I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
