Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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