My cat gives me a boner
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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