Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
