Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Duck Duck Cougar?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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