what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
