People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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