Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Randomize
