I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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