I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Come on in and take your pants off
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