hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize