I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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