I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Come see our sink grown plant.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You pole danced in your parka.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize