I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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