Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
