How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
