If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I smell like Dick and happiness
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
