a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
nutella sex= disaster
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
